Practical branding

Here is my plan for re branding myself as a human being and an employee. This sort of thing will transform how people view you and it will transform your job prospects.
I have very little money to invest and so I will spend as little as possible in the first few months.
Month 1. Re branding the body. (�60)
You may say the most wonderful things about your attitude and self discipline but you will never be believed if you are a blob of lard with fat on your chin.
I will therefore start the re branding with a diet. This will be done by eating more rice and vegetables and having smoothies for lunch at least three times a week. This will cost a little more than the junk I am eating, but only a little. I will also drink white tea which is slightly slimming.
I will buy a food processor to cut my carrots and vegetables. Carrots only cost 29p a bag right now and they can be eaten raw if they are shredded.
This approach will cause weight to drop off slowly but it increases energy levels within a week.
Month 2. Get a life. (�120).
Nobody respects a drip. How will we convince an employer that we are a go ahead sorts of guys if we all sit at home and have no social life? It is quite possible to do this very cheaply in the large cities because so many cultural events are free. You will need something for food and drink but this is almost your only expense. Try meetup.
I intend to continue with my healthy eating campaign while building up my social life because I cannot see myself losing more than a pound a week.
It is possible to develop new interests in this way. I intend to learn more about art and architecture.
Month 3. Become an English Gentleman. (�180).
It is time to look like James Bond. By now we will have lost some weight and will carry ourselves in a quite different way. We will know a little about art, culture, fine wine and so on but will not talk about it unless asked. Now buy some good shirts and a good silk tie. This will force one to walk with an upright, dominant posture particularly if the shirt has collar stiffeners. It will flatter your body provided your belly is not too big. Cultivate modesty. This is not submissiveness but the attitude that one is simply so awesome that one has nothing to prove. Not all expensive stuff is good. Buy quality, not brand names.
Month 4. Imitate a horse. (�240).
Buy some shiny English shoes- but put a rubber sole on them. These give immense authority and announce your entry wherever you go- 'clip, clop, clip, clop!'. You will find that conversation stops and everyone turns their heads when you enter any room. Treat this as natural and be modest about it. These shoes have a magnetic power over women. It is rather like the effect thigh high 'kinky boots' have upon a certain type of man. I once had a woman at a social event ask me if she could kiss my shoes.. I let her do so as if this happened every day. This is the power of the English Gentleman image- he is humble because he knows he is King.
Month 5. Nearly there. (�300).
Buy an umbrella. I do not care if it never rains where you live. It hardly ever rains in London either. The umbrella is a badge of authority and respect. It may be used to salute your peers (bring the handle up towards your right eye and nod slightly) and it is a deadly close combat weapon. The umbrella also adds to the drama of your walk and thus draws attention to you wherever you go. Plus.. it is quite useful if it rains.
Buy some silver cuff links (always wear box cuff shirts), a good pen and (maybe) a tie clip. Consider taking up some thuggish sport such as boxing, hunting or rugby. The gentleman is a psychopath with perfect manners. Think of James Bond- a man who cracks jokes even while he kills. There is no need to become a psychopath, of course, but it may be helpful to remember that the English Gentleman is a builder of empires. He is not a 'nice guy' or wimp.
Month 5. Career. (�360).
You have now come to the point where you can pull off a career change. This is because you no longer carry yourself in the old Beta way. This places you ahead of most other candidates regardless of knowledge or experience.
Alpha beats book learning every time.
So.. spend this months budget on training in the full knowledge that it will not be wasted. You can now do anything.
Month 6. Congratualtions! (�400).
Take a holliday- patrticularly to somewhere unusual that you can talk about later because being well traveled is also part of your brand.